[Suche] Wen der meine englische fanfic beta ließt und perfekter weise auch korrigiert :P

Status
Für weitere Antworten geschlossen.

Lightning Streak

Otakuholic
Otaku Veteran
Hi zusammen ^^ Ich wollte mal eine englische ff mit desti zusammen schreiben allerdings ist mein englisch nicht soo gut undseins wohl auch nicht :P
Ich hab wohl noch einiges an fehlern drin :3

At the beginning there was our planet and two sisters captured in an everlasting fight.
The Sun and the Moon.
Those two soon got joined by the seasons. Four mighty alicorns who were able to control and form the planet if they worked together…

“Hey honey, stop reading that old book. It`s almost time for your exam. Oh don’t you want to study at Celestias School for gifted unicorns anymore”, asked a woman’s voice behind the little alicorn filly that lied on her belly while she was reading.
She closed the book and looked at her mother.
“Sure I want mommy! I was just waiting for you”, said the smiling filly and jumped down from her bed. The little dark blue, winged alicorn with rainbow colored mane and tail followed her mother out of the house, where her father already was waiting for them.
He began to smile when he saw his daughter. “I am glad you found the time to join us miss summer breeze”, said he and looks at the little filly that was walking towards him.
Summer Breeze began to laugh and walks beside her father. The three alicorns spreaded their wings and began to fly down to a city called Canterlot.

“Okay the next one shall come in Summer Breeze, it`s your turn”, an old unicorn said.
Summer Breeze swallowed and walked into the middle of the room. Everyponys eyes got bigger when they saw the little alicorn walking along. Whisperings were started all around because no one of them had ever seen another alicorn than Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.
“Okay Summer Breeze, here is your test. That egg in front of your nose is a Dragon egg your task I to break the shell to help the baby dragon come out of there”, the old unicorn said and looked down at Summer Breeze.
She looked at her smiling parents and then started to concentrate herself till her horn started to glow in light rainbow colors. Also the egg started to glow and hovers a little above its nest.
The egg shell got first little cracks in it and the glowing turned dark around it. Gasping were heard all around, what broke breezes concentration and her horn stops glowing but the egg doesn’t the dark glowing around it got more and more and the shell made noises like scratching on a blackboard with claws was to hear.
The scared Summer Breeze hide herself behind her mother and watched the egg like everypony did.
“What have I done wrong”, asked the little foal but no one answered her.
The shell broke into pieces and a little black baby dragon sunk to the ground slowly and looked around while it was chewing on a piece of the shell.
“Aw how cute”, came it from breeze who was about to walk to the baby dragon but her mother held her back.
“No don’t go to near. That’s a black dragon these are the most dangerous creatures in Equestria.
I thought they were all gone hundreds of years ago”, said her mother with a scared voice.

One of the royal guards who left the room when he saw the black glowing soon came back with Princess Celestia, which now was walking down into the room now.
She said: “Don`t be afraid everypony I´ll take care of this one.”
She looked at it with eyes that looked scared and full of hate at the same time.
Summer Breeze whispered: “Oh no shes going to kill him isn’t she?”
Her mother just nods slowly and looks at the Princes walking closer and closer to the little dragon.
A few tears came to summer Breeze`s eyes and she tried to hide her face into her mother`s tail.
Celestias horn began to glow when she stud in front of the dragon that was looking at her with big eyes and tried to catch her mane.
The little baby was hovered into the air covered in his black glowing he began to giggle.
A single tear rolled above Celestias cheek. Her horn began to glow even more, also the little dragon did. But his black glowing changed to a white one and the surprised Celestia let him fall down into his soft nest.
“I can`t kill him …I … cleared his soul”. More tears came to her eyes and suddenly she disappeared.
The little confused looking Summer Breeze walked to the dragon and takes a closer look at it.
“How can such a tiny thing like you make the princess cry”, asked she and pokes the baby dragons belly, which grabbed her hoof and giggled.

The old unicorn coughs a little.
“Well miss summer breeze it seems like you passed the test welcome at our school. You … uhm … you need to name that dragon and it will be your pet from now on”, he said and looked down at Summer Breeze.
“Him? Oh …. I think he looks like an Akkhi”, she said and grinned at the dragon baby.
“A good name I think. Your first School year will begin in two weeks. The next test will begin in 20 minutes I need a break”, said the old unicorn and left the room.
Summer Breeze let Akkhi hover on her back and walked next to her mother.
While they were going out she asked her mother: “Uhm mummy? What is wrong with this dragon and the princess, why did she cry?”
Her mother got a little sad look into her face.

“It was about three hundred years ago when a giant Army of Black dragons tried to take control about this land. There was a big war against them many uni- and alicorns lost their life to defeat them. Magic is weak against an all grown up black Dragon you know?”
Tears came to her eyes before she continued her story.
“It weakens your body if you use too much magic. It can knock you out … or worse. Celestias Parents and also mine and your fathers belong to them who didn’t survive that war.”
She ran out of voice and leans her head against her husband and cryes a little.

“Mommy”, said Summer Breeze and looked to the ground because she didn’t like to see her mother sad.
“And…. And why didn’t she kill Akkhi”, asked she and looks a little worried on her back where the little baby dragon was sleeping.
“I don’t know but she cleared his soul. I think there is no need to worry. I think we should fly home now.”
Summer Breeze nodded and followed to her mother and her father who were already flying and holds the baby on her back with magic.

A hundred years later in a cave in the middle of the Everfree Forest

“Wake up”, yelled Summer Breeze who was kicking against a big black scaled shoulder.
“Come on Akkhi your hundred year sleep should begin tomorrow not today.”
She kicked against the shoulder again and the big dragon slowly opened an eye and yawned.
“Oh come on Summer”, said Akkhi with a deep tired voice.
He stretched his body and his wings, which were easily able to touch the roof of the cave where he was lying. The whole mountain quaked a little when he sat himself down.
He looked at the smiling all grown up alicorn in front of him. She has changed a lot since he first saw her. She was now all grown up her mane and tail became a floating rainbow colored dust her horn grew longer and also her wings were big …. For a pony.
“You can`t go and sleep for hundred years without giving me the chance to say good night to you”, said Summer Breeze and flied on to his shoulder where she sat down.
She hugged his neck and said “I will miss you my little giant super assistant”, she looked up to the dragons head.
“I can`t believe how big you already are and you will also grow further for the next nine hundred years. We need a bigger cave for you”, said she and laughed a little
“I am sorry Summer. I already got so tired it`s pretty hard to keep my eyes open right now. I will also miss you”, said Akkhi and looked down to Summer with his tired bright blue eyes.
“I have something for you. I know you might have lots of them but I found it yesterday and thought you would like it”, said Summer Breeze and her horn began to glow.
She summoned a big ruby that had the same size as her. Akkhi smiled at it and put it behind him where a pile of gems was lying.
“Thank you. That’s a nice one”, said he grinning.
“Only the best for you. Okay I let you go back to sleep now. I also have to work with Luna today so have a good sleep my little friend”, Said she and flew up to his cheek and kissed it before she landed on the ground again.
“I hope to see you here in hundred years Summer”, said he and let himself fall down to the ground.
The quake let Summer fly up into the air a little.
“I will be here Akkhi”, Said she grinning and went out of the cave.
Akkhi put the ruby in his mouth and ate it half way before he fell asleep.

Ninety fife years later in a Forest far away from Canterlot

“Hey wake up you giant monster”, said a lovely voice he hated more than anything else. He opened his eyes and looked at Celestia who was standing in front of him smiling friendly as always.
He tried to move but he wasn’t able to. He looked at his body which was complitely covered with glowing chains.
“whats going on here”, he asked to Celestia with an angry voice.
“If this is a joke, I don`t like it.” He Looked around and realizes that he was into a forest that he didn’t know.
“Where am I?”
Celestia smiled and answered: “This is your new home you monster. I may can´t touch you with my magic, but those chains are working nicely against evil creatures like you. So a black dragon can`t break them.
You will be here for the rest of your life covered from the rest of the world and not even Summer Breeze can find you here.”
Akkhi tried to break the chains with all his strength but they didn’t even move just a little. He took a deep breath and spat some fire in Celestias direction. But it stopped just in front of her nose.
“Oh didn’t I tell you that those chains absorb your anger and weaken your body?” , asked she giggling.
“Get it into your ugly head you monster you can`t escape from here. Oh and I almost forgot to tell you those ponies”, she pointed at a little Group of armored Ponies, “are here to hold you in rage. You will have pretty much fun with them.”
She turned around and walked away not taking care of the enraged shouting Dragon behind her.
When she crossed a small circle it got silent. She turned around and the magical shield she made covered his voice and even himself perfectly.
If someone would come here he would think it´s s just a disgusting swamp he is looking at.

Fife years later in Akkhi´s cave

“Hey Akkhi!”
Summer breeze stepped into the cave but it was empty. The only thing in there was a half eaten giant ruby.
“He left”, asked she to herself.
“Maybe he is just outside. Hundred years without movement might be hard”, said she but she didn’t believed her own words. And so she waited into the cave for the whole day. She came to it every week for over ten years till she accepted that Akkhi wouldn´t come back. It made her sad but the life was still going on and the years came and gone. The time wasn’t touching her and after at least five hundred years she almost forgot her sadness about Akkhi.

Meanwhile in Celestias Castle::.

Celestia wasn’t sleeping that well this night one nightmare was followed by the next one.
She dreamed about the past when she captured Akkhi and she dreamed about a feature of Equestria being covered in flames. Suddenly Akkhi’s face was clear in her head. She saw all the scars in his face and she heard his voice.
“I am free now dear princess and I will show you what it means to make me angry. The black dragons will raise again and you, the real monster, will die”
She woke up immediately and still heard Akkhi’s Laughing in her head. She heard a screaming not realizing it was coming out of her.
Four guards ran into her room and looked at the princess which has stopped to scream.
“Princess is everything alright? We heard you screaming”, said one of them.
The princess looked at them and said: “Get me my chariot! And the four fastest pegasus you can find!” she looked at the guards which weren`t moving. “I meant now”, she shouted and the guards ran out of her room as fast as they could.
About half an hour later the chariot was flying to the north.
They were flying high and so they could see the burning forest pretty early.
They landed in the middle of the forest. The shield was broken and Akkhi was gone.
Celestia stepped out of her chariot and walked to the place where the dragon had been bound.
Broken chains and the roasted head bones from ten pony guards was all she could find.
She whispered to herself: “Five hundred years, thirty generations of guards and everything was pointless”
Tears were floating out of her eyes when she concentrates herself to summon a giant rainstorm to put down the flames. She was shivering when she sat into her chariot and got flied back to her castle, but it wasn’t the cold night and it was her wet fur that made her shiver. She was scared about the future, when the black dragons will come back.

Celestia stud in front, of the three known season ponies.
“You three have to cover that you are alicorns till all fourth season will be found and united with you. Something dangerous is about to happen. You easily can get into the targets if you don’t hide it.”, said Celestia to the season family. And each of them hided their horn with magic and also they made their mane stop floating.
Summer Breeze called herself now Rainbow Bass and changed her cutiemark to a rainbow colored speaker. She started a career as Dj pony and earned much money with it.

Into the next thousand five hundred years she sent out hundreds of ponies to hunt the dragons or to get some information, where the dragons were but none of them ever came back.
She also had to banish her own sister to the moon in that time. She was sad. Sadder than any pony could bear.
She looked Happy in public but when she was alone she never could hold back her tears. Also she wasn’t sleeping at all. Only watching the moon, thinking about anything, that could bring her sister back.

It was a Clear night when Rainbow Bass woke up into her house in Cloudsdale. She lived into that house on her own to have her silence. Her parents were living into the clouds above Canterlot.
Something was different this night she heard something that sounds like a silent crying and went down the stairs. The noise got louder the nearer she came to her front door.
She opened it and looked outside. A small basked stud in front of it, it seems to be filled with towels but they were moving and crying.
She took the basked with inside and removed one of the towels.
A little filly looked at her with big eyes.
It was light blue had rainbow colored short mane and tail and wings but no horn.
The filly stopped crying when it saw Rainbow Bass.
“Who are you little filly”, asked Bass with a soft voice and crawls the belly of the little Pegasus baby in front of her.
She took it out of the basket and lays it on the couch with a towel.
A piece of paper felt down to the ground. She let it hover in front of her nose and began to read it.

Hello my daughter,
If you are reading this you’ve already found your sister.
I was pregnant as you might be able to think on your own. God what am I writing?
She is not yet an alicorn but she will be soon her season will be the spring.
We called her rainbow spring. And Rainbow dash as long as she isn’t an alicorn.
I think you want to know why she is here now. Your father and me we have to leave you two. We will not be able to come back to you anytime. I am not allowed to tell you what we are doing. All our money is yours now so your life can be as good as you want.
You just should know that we will ever love you two.

She let the Piece of paper fall to the ground it was covered with the tears of her mother and hard to read because of that.
She looked at Rainbow Dash, which has fallen asleep, with a sad face.
She lays herself next to the little filly and fell asleep soon.

The years gone by and Dash grew up to a great flyer. She discovered her real nature as alicorn and fell in love to a filly named Trixie or how she now is called Icy Touch. She became a mother and also she has become a Wonderbolt. She lived with her child and her wife in a little house on the ground near Ponyville. She had a good life. Till …..

Thirty years later /present time

A quite loud noise gets Breezes attention. She turned around and looked out of her window and saw a big shadow coming near into the sunset. She walked to the window and stared at the shadow that gets bigger and bigger.
A Dragon was flying in direction of her house. As it came near Breeze eyes got bigger. A Black dragon was flying there. She got exited hoping that this was Akkhi who is flying there and ran out of the house.
The dragon lowers his speed when he saw Summer Breeze standing on a cloud not far away from him, he flied in front of the cloud and flapped his wings to keep the position.
“Long time not seen Summer”, Akkhi said.
“A … Akkhi? Is … is it really you?”
“Yes it is me. And I am here to give you a warning. The black dragons are about to attack again. You better should hide I don’t want you to get hurt. And I really don’t know if I can hold back my whole army”
“What are you talking about. And what happened to you. All these scars. You … you are kidding right?”
“No. No summer I am not, and I mean it and if you want to know what happened to me …. Ask your princess”, said Akkhi. The way he said Princess was filled with so much hate into it scared Summer.
“I hope I don’t see you dead next time we meet Summer”
With those words he dashed down and flied near the ground. A big amount of flames were coming out of the forest behind him.
Summer stud on her cloud watching to the ground. Watching a shadow, that turns the world in flames.
“Celestia what have you done”, was the only thing into her head.
She concentrated and teleported herself to Celestias castle. She stepped in ignoring the Guards who were trying to hold her back till she found a familiar face. Shadow Spark a dark blue unicorn colt who was the personal student of Princess Luna, and also Twilights couple.
“Shadow?”
The unicorn turned around and looked at Summer Breeze.
“Ah hey Summer, you want to visit somepony?”
“Where is Celestia”, she said with an angry tone in her voice. “I need to talk with her.”
“Uhm, in her room I think. What happened?”
“I explain later”, was her short reply and she walked fast to the Princess room.
She took a deep breath and opened the door without knocking. The Princess looked surprised when Summer stepped in.
“Celestia what have you done to A …”
At this moment a red pegasus guard crashed through the window of the room.
“Guard Spades what is this supposed to be”, asked celestia and looked at the pegasus which was breathing heavy. His fur was burned from several places also his armor had black spots and blood was floating out of some little cutting wounds
“Ce … Celestia … Princess Celestia… d… dragons.” He swallowed “Black dragons, they`re attacking u … unicornia” He fainted and fell on his side releaving a long deep cut in his back.

“Akkhi” was the first thing that came into Celestias and Summer Breezes mind.
“We need a medic… SHADOW!” Celestia shouted and shadow ran into the room. Hes eyes got bigger when he saw Spades on the floor bleeding like hell.
“Wha … oh god damn.” He ran to Spades and his cutiemark began to glow like everytime when he did some magic.
He and Spades disappeared out of the room and second’s later Shadow Spark and Twilight Sparkle were using their magic to save Spades life.

To be continued……….
 

Timmi611

Novize
Hier die Fassung nach dem drüber Lesen :-) Tolle Story und toll gezeichnete Charaktere :-) Bitte mehr.

At the beginning there was our planet and two sisters captured in an everlasting fight.
The Sun and the Moon.
Those two soon got joined by the seasons. Four mighty alicorns who were able to control and form the planet if they work together…

“Hey honey, stop reading that old book. It`s almost time for your exam. Or don’t you want to study at Celestias School for gifted unicorns anymore”, asked a woman’s voice behind the little alicorn filly, which laid on her belly while she was reading.
She closed the book and looked at her mother.
“Of course I want mommy! I was just waiting for you”, said the smiling filly and jumped down from her bed. The little dark blue, winged alicorn with rainbow colored mane and tail followed her mother out of the house, where her father already was waiting for them.
He began to smile when he saw his daughter. “I am glad you found the time to join us Miss Summer Breeze”, said he and looked at the little filly that was walking towards him.
Summer Breeze began to laugh and walked beside her father. The three alicorns spread their wings and began to fly down to a city called Canterlot.

“Okay the next one shall come in. Summer Breeze, it`s your turn”, an old unicorn said.
Summer Breeze swallowed and walked into the middle of the room. Everyponys eyes got bigger when they saw the little alicorn walking along. Whisperings were started all around because no one of them had ever seen another alicorn than Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.
“Okay Summer Breeze, here is your test. That egg in front of your nose is a Dragon egg. Your task is to break the shell to help the baby dragon come out of there”, the old unicorn said and looked down at Summer Breeze.
She looked at her smiling parents and then started to concentrate herself till her horn started to glow in light rainbow colors. Also the egg started to glow and hovers a little above its nest.
The egg shell got little cracks in it at the start and the glowing turned dark around it. Gasping were heard all around, which resulted in dispelling Breezes concentration and her horn stopped glowing. But the eggs dark glowing got more and more and the shell made noises comparable to scratching on a blackboard with claws.
The scared Summer Breeze hid herself behind her mother and watched the egg like everypony did.
“What have I done wrong”, asked the little foal but no one answered her.
The shell broke into pieces and a little black baby dragon sunk to the ground slowly and looked around while it was chewing on a piece of the shell.
“Aw how cute”, came from Breeze who was about to walk to the baby dragon but her mother held her back.
“No don’t go near it. That’s a black dragon these are the most dangerous creatures in Equestria. I thought they were all gone hundreds of years ago”, said her mother with a scared voice.

One of the royal guards, who left the room when he saw the black glowing, soon came back to the room with Princess Celestia.
She said: “Don`t be afraid everypony I´ll take care of this one.”
She looked at it with eyes that looked scared and full of hate at the same time.
Summer Breeze whispered: “Oh no she is going to kill him isn’t she?”
Her mother just nods slowly and looks at the Princes walking closer and closer to the little dragon.
A few tears came to summer Breeze`s eyes and she tried to hide her face in her mother`s tail.
Celestias horn began to glow when she stood in front of the dragon, which was looking at her with big eyes and tried to catch her mane.
The little baby was hovered into the air covered in its black glowing and began to giggle.
A single tear rolled around Celestias cheek. Her horn began to glow even more, just like the little dragon did. But his black glowing changed to a white one and the surprised Celestia let him fall down into his soft nest.
“I can`t kill him …I … cleared his soul”. More tears came to her eyes and suddenly she disappeared.
The confused looking Summer Breeze walked to the dragon and took a closer look at it.
“How can such a tiny thing like you make the princess cry”, she asked while poking the baby dragons belly, which grabbed her hoof and giggled.

The old unicorn coughs a little.
“Well miss Summer Breeze it seems like you passed the test. Welcome to our school. You … uhm … you need to name that dragon and it will be your pet from now on”, he said and looked down at Summer Breeze.
“Him? Oh …. I think he looks like an Akkhi”, she said and grinned at the dragon baby.
“A good name I think. Your first School year will begin in two weeks. The next test will begin in 20 minutes. Excuse me, I need a break”, said the old unicorn and left the room.
Summer Breeze let Akkhi hover on her back and walked next to her mother.
While they were leaving she asked her mother: “Uhm mummy? What is wrong with this dragon and the princess, why did she cry?”
Her mother got a slight sad look on her face.

“It was about three hundred years ago when a giant army of black dragons tried to take control over this land. There was a big war and many uni- and alicorns lost their life to defeat them. Magic is weak against an all grown up black dragon, you know?”
Tears came to her eyes before she continued her story.
“It weakens your body if you use too much magic. It can knock you out … or worse. Celestias parents and also mine and your fathers belong to them who didn’t survive that war.”
She ran out of voice and leans her head against her husband and cried slightly.

“Mommy”, said Summer Breeze and looked to the ground because she didn’t like to see her mother sad.
“And…. And why didn’t she kill Akkhi”, she asked and looks a little worried at her back where the little baby dragon was sleeping.
“I don’t know but she cleared his soul. I think there is no need to worry. I think we should fly home now.”
Summer Breeze nodded and followed her mother and her father who were already flying while holding the baby on her back with magic.

A hundred years later in a cave in the middle of the Everfree Forest

“Wake up”, yelled Summer Breeze who was kicking against a big black scaled shoulder.
“Come on Akkhi your hundred year sleep should begin tomorrow not today.”
She kicked the shoulder again and the big dragon slowly opened an eye and yawned.
“Oh come on Summer”, said Akkhi with a deep tired voice.
He stretched his body and his wings, which were easily able to touch the roof of the cave where he was lying. The whole mountain quaked a little when he sat himself down.
He looked at the smiling all grown up alicorn in front of him. She has changed a lot since he first saw her. She was now all grown up her mane and tail became a floating rainbow colored dust. Her horn grew longer and also her wings were big …. For a pony.
“You can`t go and sleep for hundred years without giving me the chance to say good night to you”, said Summer Breeze and flied on to his shoulder where she sat down.
She hugged his neck and said “I will miss you my little giant super assistant”, she looked up to the dragons head.
“I can`t believe how big you already are and you will also grow further for the next nine hundred years. We need a bigger cave for you”, said she and laughed a little.
“I am sorry Summer. I already got so tired it`s pretty hard to keep my eyes open right now. I will also miss you”, said Akkhi and looked down to Summer with his tired bright blue eyes.
“I have something for you. I know you might have lots of them but I found it yesterday and thought you would like it”, said Summer Breeze and her horn began to glow.
She summoned a big ruby that had the same size as her. Akkhi smiled at it and put it behind him where a pile of gems was lying.
“Thank you. That’s a nice one”, he said with a grinning expression.
“Only the best for you. Okay I let you go back to sleep now. I also have to work with Luna today so have a good sleep my little friend”, Said she and flew up to his cheek and kissed it before she landed on the ground again.
“I hope to see you here in hundred years Summer”, said he and let himself fall down to the ground.
The quake forced Summer to fly up into the air a little bit.
“I will be here Akkhi”, she said grinning and went out of the cave.
Akkhi put the ruby in his mouth and ate it half way before he fell asleep.

Ninety-five years later in a forest far away from Canterlot

“Hey wake up you giant monster”, said a lovely voice he hated more than anything else. He opened his eyes and looked at Celestia who was standing in front of him smiling friendly as always.
He tried to move but he wasn’t able to. He looked at his body which was complitely covered with glowing chains.
“Whats going on here”, he asked Celestia with an angry voice.
“If this is a joke, I don`t like it.” He looked around and realised that he was in a forest that he didn’t know.
“Where am I?”
Celestia smiled and answered: “This is your new home you monster. I may can´t touch you with my magic, but those chains are working nicely against evil creatures like you. So a black dragon can`t break them.
You will be here for the rest of your life covered from the rest of the world and not even Summer Breeze can find you here.”
Akkhi tried to break the chains with all his strength but they didn’t even move just a little. He took a deep breath and spat some fire in Celestias direction. But it stopped just in front of her nose.
“Oh didn’t I tell you that those chains absorb your anger and weaken your body?” , she giggled.
“Get it into your ugly head you monster! You can`t escape from here. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you: these ponies”, she pointed at a little group of armored ponies, “are here to hold you in rage. You will have pretty much fun with them.”
She turned around and walked away not taking care of the enraged shouting Dragon behind her.
When she crossed a small circle it got silent. She turned around and the magical shield she made covered his voice and even himself perfectly.
If someone would come here he would think it´s s just a disgusting swamp he is looking at.

Five years later in Akkhi´s cave

“Hey Akkhi!”
Summer breeze stepped into the cave but it was empty. The only thing in there was a half eaten giant ruby.
“He left”, she whispers to herself.
“Maybe he is just outside. Hundred years without movement might be hard”, she said but she didn’t believed her own words. And so she waited in the cave for the whole day. She came to it every week for over ten years till she accepted that Akkhi wouldn´t come back. It made her sad but the life was still going on and the years came and gone. The time wasn’t touching her and after at least five hundred years she almost forgot her sadness about Akkhi.

Meanwhile in Celestias Castle:

Celestia wasn’t sleeping that well this night one nightmare was followed by the next one.
She dreamed about the past when she captured Akkhi and she dreamed about a future of Equestria being covered in flames. Suddenly Akkhi’s face was clear in her head. She saw all the scars in his face and she heard his voice.
“I am free now dear princess and I will show you what it means to make me angry. The black dragons will raise again and you, the real monster, will die”
She woke up immediately and still heard Akkhi’s laughter in her head. She heard a screaming not realizing it was coming out of her very own mouth.
Four guards ran into her room and looked at the princess which has stopped to scream.
“Princess is everything alright? We heard you screaming”, said one of them.
The princess looked at them and said: “Get me my chariot! And the four fastest pegasus’ you can find!” she looked at the guards which weren`t moving. “I meant now”, she shouted and the guards ran out of her room as fast as they could.
About half an hour later the chariot was flying to the north.
They were flying high and so they could see the burning forest pretty early.
They landed in the middle of the forest. The shield was broken and Akkhi was gone.
Celestia stepped out of her chariot and walked to the place where the dragon had been bound.
Broken chains and the roasted head bones from ten pony guards was all she could find.
She whispered to herself: “Five hundred years, thirty generations of guards and everything was pointless”
Tears were floating out of her eyes when she concentrates herself to summon a giant rainstorm to put down the flames. She was shivering when she sat into her chariot and got flied back to her castle, but it wasn’t the cold night and it was her wet fur that made her shiver. She was scared about the future, when the black dragons will come back.

Celestia stood in front of the three known season ponies.
“You three have to cover that you are alicorns till all fourth season will be found and united with you. Something dangerous is about to happen. You could easily become targets if you don’t hide it.”, said Celestia to the season family. And each of them hid their horn with magic and stopped their mane from floating.
Summer Breeze called herself now Rainbow Bass and changed her cutiemark to a rainbow colored speaker. She started a career as ‚DJ Pony’ and earned a lot of money with it.

Into the next 1500 years she sent out hundreds of ponies to hunt the dragons or to get some information, where the dragons were but none of them ever came back.
She also had to banish her own sister to the moon in that time. She was sad. A sadness that no other pony could possibly bear.
She looked happy in public but when she was alone she could never hold back her tears. Also she wasn’t sleeping at all. Only watching the moon, thinking about anything, that could bring her sister back.

It was a Clear night when Rainbow Bass woke up at her house in Cloudsdale. She lived in that house on her own to live in sereneness. Her parents were living at the clouds above Canterlot.
Something was different this night, as she heard something that sounds like a silent crying and went down the stairs. The noise got louder the closer she came to her front door.
She opened it and looked outside. A small basket stood in front of it and it seemed to be filled with moving and crying towels.
She took the basket inside and removed one of the towels.
A little filly looked at her with big eyes.
It was light blue, had a rainbow colored short mane, a tail and wings but no horn.
The filly stopped crying when it saw Rainbow Bass.
“Who are you little filly”, asked Bass with a soft voice and crawls the belly of the little pegasus baby in front of her.
She took it out of the basket and laid it on the couch with a towel.
A piece of paper felt down to the ground. She let it hover in front of her nose and began to read it.

Hello my daughter,
If you are reading this you’ve already found your sister.
I was pregnant as you might be able to think on your own. God what am I writing?
She is not yet an alicorn but she will be soon and her season will be spring.
We called her Rainbow Spring. And Rainbow Dash as long as she isn’t an alicorn.
I think you want to know why she is here now. Your father and me have to leave you two. We will not be able to come back to you anytime. I am not allowed to tell you what we are doing. All our money is yours now so your life can be as good as you want.
You just should know that our love for both of you is eternal.

The letter fell to the ground. It was covered with the tears of her mother and hard to read because of that.
She looked at Rainbow Dash, which was fallen asleep, with a sad face.
She lays herself next to the little filly and fell asleep soon.

The years gone by and Dash grew up to a great flyer. She discovered her real nature as alicorn and fell in love to a filly named Trixie or how she now is called Icy Touch. She became a mother and also she has become a Wonderbolt. She lived with her child and her wife in a little house on the ground near Ponyville. She had a good life. Till …..

Thirty years later /present time

A quite loud noise got Breezes attention. She turned around and looked out of her window and saw a big shadow coming closer from the sunset. She walked to the window and stared at the shadow that gets bigger and bigger.
A Dragon was flying in direction of her house. As it came near Breeze eyes got bigger. A Black dragon was flying there. She got exited hoping that this was Akkhi who is flying there and ran out of the house.
The dragon lowered his speed when he saw Summer Breeze standing on a cloud not far away from him, he flew in front of the cloud and flapped his wings to keep the position.
“Long time not seen Summer”, Akkhi said.
“A … Akkhi? Is … is it really you?”
“Yes it is me. And I am here to give you a warning. The black dragons are about to attack again. You better should hide I don’t want you to get hurt. And I really don’t know if I can hold back my whole army”
“What are you talking about. And what happened to you. All these scars. You … you are kidding right?”
“No. No Summer I am not, and I mean it and if you want to know what happened to me …. Ask your princess”, said Akkhi. The way he said ‚Princess’ was filled with so much hatred it scared Summer.
“I hope I don’t see you dead next time we meet Summer.”
With those words he dashed down and flew near the ground. A big amount of flames were coming out of the forest behind him.
Summer stood on her cloud watching to the ground. Watching a shadow, that turns the world in flames.
“Celestia what have you done?”, was the only thing into her head.
She concentrated and teleported herself to Celestias castle. She stepped in ignoring the guards who were trying to hold her back till she found a familiar face. Shadow Spark a dark blue unicorn colt who was the personal student of Princess Luna, and also Twilights partner.
“Shadow?”
The unicorn turned around and looked at Summer Breeze.
“Ah hey Summer, you want to visit somepony?”
“Where is Celestia”, she said with an angry tone in her voice. “I need to talk with her.”
“Uhm, in her room I think. What happened?”
“I explain later”, was her short reply and she walked fast to the Princess room.
She took a deep breath and opened the door without knocking. The Princess looked surprised when Summer stepped in.
“Celestia what have you done to A …”
At this moment a red pegasus guard crashed through the window of the room.
“Guard Spades what is the meaning of this”, asked celestia and looked at the pegasus which was breathing heavy. His fur was burned at several places and even his armor had black spots and blood was floating out of cutting wounds
“Ce … Celestia … Princess Celestia… d… dragons.” He swallowed “Black dragons, they`re attacking u … Unicornia” He fainted and fell on his side releaving a long deep cut in his back.

“Akkhi” was the first thing that came into Celestias and Summer Breezes mind.
“We need a medic… SHADOW!” Celestia shouted and Shadow ran into the room. His eyes got bigger when he saw Spades on the floor bleeding like hell.
“Wha … oh god’damn.” He ran to Spades and his cutiemark began to glow like everytime when he did some magic.
He and Spades disappeared out of the room and seconds later Shadow Spark and Twilight Sparkle were using their magic to save Spades life.

To be continued……….
 

füchsily

vorsicht bissig
Otaku Veteran
Etwas mehr Zeichensetzung würde dem Text nicht schaden. Klar ist die englische Sprache damit etwas sparsamer, aber Fragezeichen am Ende von Fragen und ein paar Kommata mehr sollten schon drin sein.
Ich möchte die Leistung von Timmi611 nicht schmälern, aber dennoch biete ich dir an auch noch einmal drüberzulesen und noch ein paar grobe Fehler rauszufiltern.
 

Timmi611

Novize
Mit der Zeichensetzung ist mir auch aufgefallen. Ich habe mich dann nachher auf das american english bezogen. Deswegen habe ich besonders nach den Aussagen auf die Satzzeichen verzichtet. Aber insbesondere bin ich auf Formulierungen eingegangen. Aber vier Augen sehen ja bekanntlich mehr als zwei :-)
 

Lightning Streak

Otakuholic
Otaku Veteran
okay ich wollte heir grade auf englisch anworten guuuuten morgen lightning

uhm hab noch 2 fehler beim lesen gefunden o0 aber ist irgendwas weltbewegendes noch falsch ? ^^
 

Albin

VIP
VIP
Da ist man mal ein paar Tage bei Verwandten ...

Ich mach hier mal dicht und verweise auf den Betaleser-Thread, in welchem sowohl Angebote als auch Gesuche drin sein sollten. Jedes Mal ein eigener Thread ist übertrieben und unübersichtlich.
 
Status
Für weitere Antworten geschlossen.
Oben